MsWahine's Journal, 09 Jan 10

I have been at the office all day with the intent to get work done before I leave for Hawaii on Monday night (we're spending the night near the airport so we don't have to get up at the crack of pre-dawn). But I have been very undisciplined and spent a goodly amount of that time perusing FatSecret instead. Can you say PROCRASTINATE? Jeepers. But I must say, I do so appreciate reading through everyone's journals, rifling back through the archives and seeing where you started to where you are today. It's inspiring. It makes what I am doing more accessible, seeing what others have gone through. Some bare their souls, others keep things closer to the vest. Regardless of the manner in which people communicate here, everything I've read has helped to drop another of my puzzle pieces into place.

Weight loss & gain are nearly always a pyschological tug-of-war. When we are in the midst of it, it is oftentimes difficult to see where we actually are. Becoming a part of this community has opened my eyes on so many levels. I am stunned at my own blindness - how blind I have been about my own physical self. I cannot even remember when the habit of avoiding full-length mirrors began. It's a far-reaching fixation that probably spans more than 25 years...I was only a girl when I started the process of avoiding and thus negating my own body. How did I begin hiding? What prompted the thought in my head that I needed to avert my eyes from my own flesh?

I have never undressed fully in front of my husband. We have been married for 7 years, together for over 8. We have a child. And yet the full view of my body has not been seen by this man who has shared nearly a quarter of my life with me. I honestly cannot say if any man I have been with has ever seen my nude body. The fact that I don't know for certain seems apparent that the answer is no.

I am not mentioning this bit of my pysche to make anyone uncomfortable. As I read and pour over other people's words, it is clear to me that there is a degree to this for many people and it's made me a bit introspective. The hiding. The shame. Feelings of inadequacy. Even here, in this setting where so many of us are here for the same reason, there is a hesitancy to document too definitively the painful parts of our histories. And I am not meaning to imply that people should. There's not necessarily a need for people to lay bare their deepest, darkest fears/worries/habits/secrets. But whether or not they are spoken of, they are there. Even in the unspoken, it's all there.

This, to me, is quite stunning. Magnificent, even. Yes, I know that sounds a bit overblown. But for 40 years I have held my own counsel about my weight. I have done Weight Watchers, but even though there are others in the room, you don't exactly sit and read each other's journals or even discuss much of what gets discussed here. And it has been here that I have learned, really for the first time, that all the shame and hurt I have felt as such a solitary experience for most of my life, has in fact been a burden carried by so many others in ways very similar if not exactly the same as my own.

I studied John Donne majoring in English Lit in college, but not until this moment does one of his most famous meditations make sense to me:

"...all mankind is of one author5 and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated....

Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises? but who takes off his eye from a comet when that breaks out? Who bends not his ear to any bell which upon any occasion rings? but who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this world?

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were.

Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

5 Wonderful Things:
- Cupcakes for breakfast
- <a href="http://www.bluewick.com/Collection/Groove_Series/Groove_Series_-_Anjoumint/Groove_Series_-_Avocado/Groove_Series_-_Blackberry/Groove_Series_-_Guavapeel/Groove_Series_-_Peacharine/groove_series_-_peacharine.html"><b>Peacharine Bluewick candles</b></a>
- Anticipating vacation
- A good read
- Down comforter

FOOD TIMING:
Bed time: 12:20
Wake time: 9:15
Weight: 239

9:50 - 10:30 - water
11:00 - cupcakes
10:30 - 2:30 - tea
2:30 - lunch
3:00 - 8:30 tea
8:30 dinner

Woke up so late today, probably my body trying to catch up on sleep. not being as careful as I need to be with timing and food, aware of it, but will need to make some changes. Hawaii here I come! Expected weight gain this morning after yesterday's indulgence. I was retaining a lot of water last night, so not surprised.

---

1517 kcal

Fat: 60.51g | Prot: 79.74g | Carbs: 178.26g.   Breakfast: water, chocolate cupcake, vanilla cup cake. Lunch: Chicken Thigh (Skin Not Eaten), chevre, golden beets, sauteed mushrooms, polenta, green tea. Dinner: garlic cream cheese, albacore, Smart & Delicious Low Carb High Fiber Whole Wheat - LARGE, golden beets, chicken thigh. Snacks/Other: peppermint/green tea, 77% dark chocolate, peppermint/green tea, green tea. more...