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Drag the Bag
I was tired today; late night again last night. Talking. Thinking. Talking. Considering. Talking. Remembering. It can be so difficult in this über disposable time in which we live to remain on a path that does not first veer toward divorce as the answer to all marital problems. Especially when those problems are grounded in the issues that individuals bring to the marriage. We are all peppered with flaws. Open up that baggage you're dragging behind you and you will discover a surfeit of idiosyncrasies that can confound even the most stalwart veteran of the skirmish that marriage can become.
My luggage of quirks that I've dragged around for almost 40 years has obviously created a mind-set and a body that thinks being fat is a state of normalcy. Why is that? Well, that's what I am trying to figure out. At different times, I have attained a weight and body shape that, while it was close to being where I wanted to be, I never quite got where I wanted to be. And now I'm right back at Square 1. My fattest (not counting pregnancy) was about 21 lbs ago at the end of April of this year. I lost that weight doing Weight Watchers, which is how I have been successful every other time losing weight. But then I stopped following the plan, again, when the stress seeped through.
I have dieted. I have fasted. I have thrown plumeria in an active volcano to entreat the goddess Pele for her strength. Then there has been my exercise regimes. I have walked. I have run. I have Jazzercised. I have aerobicized. I have stepped. I have yoga'ed. I have worked out with trainers. I have gone from 40% to 25% body fat in 31 days working my ass off. I have done these things since I was 8 years old. I think the first diet was the Scarsdale. I remember a lot of tomatoes cut into saw-toothed halves stuffed with dry, flaked tuna, a combo the taste of which, to this day, still turns my stomach.
That was about the same time as the box of chocolate macademia nuts. because I was on a diet, chocolate was out of the question. It was torture. It was temptation. They sat atop the fridge. I eyed them constantly. Finally one Saturday I took 2 out of the box when mom wasn't looking. But she came back before I could eat them, so I hid them beneath my sweatshirt. I ran from the kitchen, clutching the sweatshirt against my belly, and jumped on her bed. I didn't want her to see the lumps beneath my shirt. I started reading a book, and then the cat came and joined me on the bed. I lay there reading and listening to the cat purr, until soon I forgot all about chocolate macademias. Finally I got off the bed and went my merry way. 10 minutes later I heard my mother yelling in the bedroom, "That damned cat crapped all over the bed!" I ran in to see. And there upon my parents bed were 2 brown lumps and skidmarks. I actually thought it was cat poop too, until we both realized there was no smell and the truth and my forgetfulness came crushing down on me. Having to explain that one was NOT pretty.
It's a story that makes me snort every time I think of it. But it's funny because it's also sad, the comedic tragedy of life. All those implications...the need to hide food, the desire to eat the forbidden, the small deprivations, the tastes of the foods I hated. And a skinny older sister to boot. These are the defects I bring with me; these are the imperfections that have evolved into an over-achiever in an under-achieving body.
I have never been brave enough to write about my experiences as a fat girl and woman. I have never even written about it to myself, between the pages of a leather bound journal that only I would see. I had these nightmarish visions that I'd die in a car crash and then someone would find my journal and read about all my foibles, see the fatness - as though it wasn't already apparent! That is the irony.
I think it's something about the approach of my 40th birthday; something has loosened my need to hold so tightly to pretending I can ignore the elephant in the room, the one I see in the mirror every day.
FOOD TIMING
Bed time: 1:30A
Wake Time: 8:10A
9:00 - Green Tea
10:30 - Choc Cake
10:30 - 1:30 - Water & Green tea
1:30 - Lunch
1:30 - 4:15 Water & Green Tea
5:00 - Water
6:00 - Dinner
6:00 - 8:30 - Green Tea
6:30 - Ice Cream
7:00 - Chocolate
7:30 - Chocolate
8:30 - 9:00 - Hot water w/ lemon
11:40 - Fish Oil, 5 pistachios
9:00 - 12:00 Green/Peppermint tea
In sugar HELL today. My guess is I carb-loaded for too much of the day so by the time evening came, even though I tried to eat mostly protein & veg at dinner, I'd already set my body up for "the crave." Stuck with the high content cocao & Lucerne ice cream, but had 2 servings of each. Finally stopped sipping the tea and just gulped it so my stomach would have an excessively full feeling and hopefully kill the crave. It worked, but I sure felt like a water balloon.
Lunch was NOT what I would have picked, but I had a surprise visit at the office from my husband & daughter who had gone to Taco Bell to bring me lunch. Given the air between us this past 2 weeks and the tentative truce we've called, I figured one bad lunch could be endured without complaint. If it was goning to happen, at least it was lunch & not dinner...
View Diet Calendar, 18 December 2009:
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1861 kcal
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Fat: 97.30g | Prot: 88.04g | Carbs: 174.39g.
Breakfast: green tea. Lunch: Taco Bell Crunchy Taco, taco bell salad, green tea, Old Fashioned Gingerbread. Dinner: 77% chocolate, 85% chocolate, chocolate chip ice cream, lucerne, kim chee, broccoli, ground beef, chicken, organic herb salad, egg white, Smart & Delicious Low Carb High Fiber Whole Wheat - LARGE, green tea. Snacks/Other: Hot Water with lemon, Peppermint/Green Tea, water, chocolate cake. more...
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3840 kcal
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Exercise:
Housework - 30 minutes, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 1 hour and 20 minutes, Standing - 1 hour and 30 minutes, Driving - 50 minutes, Desk Work - 11 hours, Sleeping - 6 hours and 30 minutes, Resting - 2 hours and 20 minutes. more...
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