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So.....i was thinking today and it really bothered me. At the wedding i was just so.....bitter. The father daughter dance, the couple coming in, the relatives HAPPY to see someone walk in married to the person they love, and just the overall acceptance of it all....
And how i may/may not have that. Ugh it annoys me to no end and i still hate how my parents treat it. First we never talk about it and when we do it ends in a fight. I can't and most likely will never tell them about K, i can never go to them for advice, i can't even tell them why i'm sad for if/when we break on and etc. with any other person i'm with. Maybe they'll accept in ten years who knows? I saw the video "Make it stop" by Rise Against today and I feel a little pathetic i didnt come out in high school because i was scared. Rawr. Im just glad it is as a whole getting better. Ok i'm done venting.
My sister and dad are leaving for India on Wednesday :( This is kinda sad since its only going to be my mom and i but i'll miss the little monkey. We cook together and stuff. Basically all i do with her is play videogames and cook haha. Today we cooked super nommy Banana Bread and Turkey Sausages! Both super delicious and healthy. Banana bread recipe needs to experimented to make it rise more
Workout today was more on the meh side as it seems i have urked my shoulder a bit. I was doing standing shoulder press with 25 lbs and for some reason i was stupid and twisted a bit and urked it. -__- Whatever i did more biceps after that. So yup bicep and shoulder day. Elliptical and treadmill for 40 min after that. I had to after my bread because it tasted SO GOOD i had a bit more than i really should have haha. Thank god its on the healthier side.
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1611 kcal
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Fat: 69.60g | Prot: 154.57g | Carbs: 107.27g.
Breakfast: Turkey Bacon, Cooked Celery, Egg, Chunky Salsa, Scallions or Spring Onions, Olive Oil Cooking Spray, The Great Eggscape, Instant Coffee (made from Powdered). Lunch: Potatoes (Flesh, with Salt, Boiled), Ground Turkey 93/7, Baked or Broiled Shrimp, Summer Squash (Crookneck and Straightneck), Won Ton Soup (Wonton), Turkey Sausage. Dinner: dry coconut, pike, Lentils, Whey protein. Snacks/Other: Extra Crunchy Super Chunk Peanut Butter, Flax Banana Apple Juice Bread, Coconut Milk (with Water), Cooked Mushrooms (from Fresh, Fat Added in Cooking), Chicken Drumstick, 100% Whole Grain Oatmeal, Cashew Nuts. more...
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2368 kcal
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Exercise:
Elliptical and running - 40 minutes, Weight Training (moderate) - 45 minutes, Sleeping - 7 hours, Resting - 15 hours and 35 minutes. more...
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1 to 20 of 25
 Comments
You do have an upward struggle, and I admire you. I can feel your conflict through your posts, if you were my daughter, there would be no conflict. You are what you are, disapproval won't change it. I suppose that soon you will have to take the bull by the horns and come what may, tell your family the brutal truth. You can't get acceptance if they feel you are satisfied with how you are being treated.
I really love your profile pic! That sari is gorgeous.
16 Aug 11 by member: mammasix
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I know its hard but if I were your parents I would have to accept it because its what makes you happy. I can only imagine the internal conflict you are having....
16 Aug 11 by member: allieaac
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You are a lovely caring person and I am sorry that you are having so much trouble. I am sure they will accept it at some point, could be ten years or more. At the moment they are probably angry, confused or in denial, maybe even hoping you will change. Family is very important, try to give them some slack. It might not be a bad idea to introduce K to them. Then they can see how happy you are and that there is nothing weird about it. Behind all their frustrations they still want to know that you're happy.
16 Aug 11 by member: LaraStar
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Though it is becoming more acceptable, there is still a prejudice against gays and lesbians. I don't know how I'd react if my little girl someday told me she was a lesbian. I think it'd be a shock but as long as she's happy...I'd rather her in a happy relationship with a woman than an unhappy one with a man...lol And something I thought about when i read your journal yesterday is the culture your parents are from. I'm sure that plays a HUGE role in it. Different cultures react differently ya'know. Best of luck to you and I hope you find the happiness and acceptance you deserve
16 Aug 11 by member: NoChubbyMom
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I don't read your journals everyday so i am sorry if this seems uninformed....
I have never had anything but acceptance and support from my family. I have never had any question about the gender to which I am attracted. I have never had any question about my basic life path. That said, I honestly can't imagine how difficult it is for you. To know the gender that you are attacted to and feel society shame you for it is unimaginaable. To further have your family not support you makes it even worse.
I can't help but wonder if your parents can't imagine/understand how you feel. Maybe they can never understand the gender issues but surely they can understand how it would feel for their parents not to love and support them for who they are. Maybe you need to have an honest talk with them about how they make you feel. Surely they do not mean to disregard your feelings and undermine your sense of self worth. If they do, then you might just have to cut the apron strings. Hart to do and tough to say but you can't go through life feeling as if you are 'wrong'. Society is going to give you a hard enough time - your family should give you shelter and support. To me that does not equate with total approval - they may still disagree with some things that you do - but your overall sexual persuasion should be supported. I guess I feel as if my choice is supported, why shouldn't yours be? We all are made the way we are made and I can only hope that you can get your family to come to that conclusion soon. Good luck to you.
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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Yea theres a fairly constant mental internal conflict. I would love to introduce k, but I'm afraid of what they'll do. My mom would have none of it..... Idk its tough. I wish I was completely straight just so it was easier on my parents. I love family and I dont want to lose it. Meh. Thanks for the kind words though. if you are a parent and your son or daughter just know that they are the same person, they still love you, they want the same things when theyre older. I personally want acceptance and respect thats all.
16 Aug 11 by member: Ninjapanda
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Ninja, have you told your parents at all? I feel like you parents would eventually come to accept it. The love you unconditionally...but it might just take them a little time to get use to the idea/situation. Are you closer to your dad, do you think you could talk to him and then you could approach your mom with him?
16 Aug 11 by member: allieaac
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I would love to say that you just need to tell them and they will accept it but the truth is some parents never accept it. I have 3 really good friends one came out to me in highschool - he told his parents 6 years later, his dad still struggles, and the other 2 came out after they graduated (I always wondered but never questioned), the ones family totally accepted him and love him just the same but the 3rd ones family has nothing to do with her at all - infact they told her until she grew up and got out of the phase they didn't want to see her. So I may not be in your situation I do understand your conflict. Your mother sounds very uneducated and close minded about the whole situation - perhaps she needs supportive nudging and education - people who are this way really do not understand gay/lesbiant/bi etc peopl and are often afraid. And perhaps your mom blames herself- like "what did I do to make my daughter do this?" it is not uncommon, I did a class in university my first year sociology and it was centered around stuff like this. It is a tough situation but perhaps you need to rip the bandaid off, bring K over introduce her as your friend, let your parents get to know her as a person not as your girlfriend - if they like her as a friend than chances are when you tell them she is your girlfriend they will be a bit more open minded - I am not saying lie or anything but its a big change for some people to swallow and introducing them slowly is sometimes way easier than BAM hi mom/dad this is my girlfriend you know?
16 Aug 11 by member: pixidaisy
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I totally agree with pixi. bring K over at your friend and just let her hang out with your family and let them get to know her. The might see how good of a mood you are in around her and then when you tell them K is your gf they will atleast know her and know that you seem happy around her.
16 Aug 11 by member: allieaac
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I have a cousin who is gay. My aunt, his grandmother, has never accepted that he is gay. it is a strange situation and I hate for him that he has to keep his partner away from his family. it is simply wrong in my opinion. But all that said - my Aunt still loves and supports him. She does not accept his sexuality but does accept him. In fact, she is always thinking that he is dating some girl or another and thinks his partner is just his roommate. I believe she knows the situation but just can't allow herself to say it. I guess saying it majes it true or something.
That may be all you can hope for in this case. But telling your parents that you don't feel their love and support is something that you probably should do. Sadly, you may have to be the bigger person here and accept them. They may simply not be able to accept your lifestyle. But somehow, you have to negotiate a truce of sorts with them and find a way to have the love and support that you deserve from your family. if you don't, you will live in this mess for many years to come. I agree with Pixi - introduce her as your friend. You don't have to tell them how friendly you are you know. At least then, you can stop hiding totally.
Please remember though - my advice is only my opinion I have no experience her at all and could be ever so wrong.
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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I agree with NoChubbyMom and the fact that different cultures seem to react differently and seem to be less accepting of the fact, especially the European culture. They just won't have none of that. It's really sad but for your sake I hope that one day they accept who you truly are and who you love, because you are still their daughter, whether gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, whatever! As long as you are happy and have found someone to love you for you, then that's all that should matter!
16 Aug 11 by member: ADobs
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I should explain this a little more. My parents do know, though in a really bad way. I was dating a girl who eventually tore me apart but whatever. Apparently someone told them, which i think is just the most f'ed up thing you can do. Someone told them and when i asked who told them they wouldnt WOULD NOT tell me who. This happened during school time so i'm still kinda afraid sometimes to be cutesy with kelly at school because of this. I'm afraid they'll find out somehow again and it scares the crap out of me. But yea that's basically how they found out. Some douche told them and they refuse to tell me who.... idk its just somehow not worth till i'm financially stable.
16 Aug 11 by member: Ninjapanda
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Well girl, all I can tell you is be honest with them now, this way you do not have to feel like you are hiding. Introduce them to her, and tell them she is your friend, and if they are anything like my mom and dad they will know right away that said friend is more than just a friend but will just leave it at that. I get the whole not financially stable thing but you need to be honest with yourself and your family - it hurts less hearing it from the person than from someone else.
16 Aug 11 by member: pixidaisy
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How horrible - to out a person to their parents is really low. But I guess that is why I agree wholeheartedly with pixy - you need to talk to them and tell them who you are. They deserve to know from you not some jerk. If they don't accept your lovelife - at least you know you were honest. 9 times out of 10 the parents who are not accepting just put their heads in the sand and pretend it is no real as my Aunt has. OK, not valid statistics but you get my point. I am sure it is a hard conversation and I do not envy you for having to have it but you owe it to yourself and to them. Sneaking around is no way to live.
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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@pixi - They'll know and act fake. Also one of my biggest pet peeves is acting fake. Why cuz i have to do it around them constantly. I'm ridiculously good at lying because of them. They've been through so much and putting on them now just...idk may be too much for them. They know but they definitely dont accept it. @esimnons - i'm just really afraid i'll get off, or they'll make me live at home and school is whats most important. I would love to be able to tell them and for it to be all ok. Hell most of my friends have that but because i'm indian i'm screwed. I will have to face them one day though i know that....
16 Aug 11 by member: Ninjapanda
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You shouldn't have to be good at lying though, that is kind of sad. Part of me wants to say "your are 20 years old, that makes you an adult they should be allowing you to make your own decisions." But the other part of me is saying "you are a 20 year old indian woman and I know your customs are totally different than mine so I should just shut up." I really do hope things work out because I do not feel hiding who you really are is healthy in anyway.
16 Aug 11 by member: pixidaisy
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Ditto pixi... I have never been in your shoes. I can't know what is right or wrong. But I know that hiding is not good for anyone. keeping a relationship secret is fun for a while but it is harmful in so many ways. being a good liar is not good for you. it becomes a habit and not something you want to deal with. You need to do some real soul searching and figure out what is best - FOR YOU. not for your parents. Good luck to you. Remember that you have support and a sounding board for your decisions whenever you want it.
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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They might have a problem with it more because they have seen you get hurt in the past by the other girl. Bring Kelly over as a friend, introduce her and just hang out and keep the pda in check and let your parents warm up to kelly and then tell them once they know she is a wonderful person. Dont lie to them if they ask if Kelly and you are together, just tell them the truth.
16 Aug 11 by member: allieaac
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@pixi- i've had to lie all my life about what i do. They dont even like rugby(i guess within reason though), haha 20 year old indian women dont really have "real" options yet, the problem is that indian parents will do ANYTHING for you however you're always obligated to them. Can't hate it or love it. @esimnons - i'll have to bite the bullet soon because i really just can't deal with it. I'm planning on moving out next year. I hate hiding. Hiding it is what led to really bad dumb decisions in the past. @allieaac - heh they had no idea anything happened between me and her. They dont care. I may have to do the bring her over as a friend deal. Thanks everyone seriously.
16 Aug 11 by member: Ninjapanda
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Oh I totally know, I have a friend who I used to work with, she was 25 and had no "real" option of her own, I found it very sad. Not in a boo hoo your life sucks kind of way but a "man, I never realized how good I have it kind of way" - and I am not saying your life sucks or that you have it rough or anything but it is hard to hear you talk like this when I know in my heart if I was gay my mother would totally accept it and be like... ok so now where do we go from here?
16 Aug 11 by member: pixidaisy
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Ninjapanda's Weight History
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