davidsprincess's Journal, 04 Sep 21

Ugh. Overwhelming sadness like I have never felt + mucho calories + 0 gym/exercise= gains and not in a good way. I have only gone to the gym once since my brother died. I cleaned out his apartment with my mom, step dad, and hubby. It is incomprehensible when someone dies that you won't see him again (until Heaven). My brain cannot conceive this and I think it is set up that way to protect us. Trying to focus on work while trying to remember ever single memory we have ever shared- not wanting to forget anything at all. Looking at old texts and pictures and videos and letters and cards. For anyone as nosy as I am- we are 99.9% sure it was an accidental overdose. Accidental for sure because he had 7 packages from Ebay and Amazon and wherever else of things he ordered that we had to get from the landlady. The landlady who keeps telling me to make sure I don't take any of her furniture because it was furnished. His best friend/ex gf told me he was trying to do so good. And I could see it. Cleaning out his fridge was surreal. There's his broccoli and veggies and bottled water- trying to be healthy and then a little heroin on the side. Little scriptures and bible verses here and there which make me feel a little better. He was fighting hard to be well- but he didn't win the fight. I don't do drugs. I guess food is my drug and so I have difficulty understanding why anyone would do something that is addictive like that. But whether or not I understand it doesn't keep someone from doing it. And I guess I have been living in a bubble because I had no idea how rampant it is until googling some things. Watching my mom go through this at 70 years old is both horrible yet she is the only one who is understanding what I am feeling and so we are trying to lean on each other. This post isn't for sympathy. It is more of an explanation of why I am fat as shit right now. It isn't a "today I will restart" because I likely won't and why bother with writing it out yet again. I would like to say- My brother would want me to be healthy and lose weight but the truth is- he never, ever mentioned my weight. He was never embarrassed. He never called me names in our biggest fights that included anything about weight. He never mentioned being 300 pounds and he never mentioned that I looked better and had lost weight. It was not something that made a bit of difference to him. I know I need to do it for me. When you are running late for your husband's birthday dinner because you can't find any pants to fit- it is a problem. And speaking of birthdays.. Hubby turns 40, sweetest girl in the world turning 16- thought about a combined party to celebrate but things don't go as we plan and so your husband ends up with a shitty $6 card from Walmart at the last minute because time has stood still for me. It has all gone to shit around here. Thankfully David is the most understanding and kind person I know and is content with very little.

91.7 kg Lost so far: 21.2 kg.    Still to go: 1.1 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.