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I missed logging food last week. I didn't go crazy during that time. I don't really have a good excuse for failing to journal. I still ran. I stayed away from soda pop. Spent the weekend with my kid at a rodeo so my food choices could have been better. Anyway...new week with my eye on the prize. Woke up this morning and did Zumba before work. The plan tonight is to bike for about an hour. Also have my meal planned out for dinner. Hoping lots of water and vegetables combined with some good old fashioned sweat will wash out the toxic garbage I ate last week.
My husband's condition is improving. He was actually returned to work on Friday. He is still tobacco-free (three weeks, three days now!). His biggest complaint is weight gain. He has been eating a lot of junk in lieu of smoking. And, frankly, I've been pulled right into that trap too this last week. He is working a 12 hr shift today and tomorrow and I think returning to work will help avert his attention from the boredom eating.
I have lots on my mind, most of which could be solved with extra money. Ha. Things could always be worse. I'm going to try to focus on diet and exercise as a distraction to paying medical bills and taxes. This is the week of my 20 mile long run (Sunday). I think I am also going to attend a Zumbathon on Friday night just to change things up a bit. I've been running so much that I've just not really focused on other fitness activities. I'd like to do some strength training and swimming. Just seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to fit it all in.
As of August 5th, I will have been on this journey a full year. By that day, I am hoping to have lost 100 pounds total. I still will not be at my goal weight, but I remember telling myself last August that if I just keep doing what I am doing I will be able to see a difference this time next year. There are still several months and really that is just another 27 pounds to go. I had hoped that I would be in the 160s by April, but I just did not make it. I could use the "husband had a heart attack" excuse, but I know deep down that really wasn't the reason I am not my April goal. Now my May goal is to be in the 160s. The question is what changes am I going to make that will ensure victory. My plan is more fruits, vegetables & exercise combined with less meat, sugar and starches. Stay calm, Atkins-lovers, I'm not saying meat is bad. I'm just choosing to consume less of it.
Now here is the crazy part that I have been dealing with but haven't put out in the universe....baby-fever. I have baby-fever. I'm 39. I don't know if it was the heart-attack, facing empty-nest syndrome (which I have from time to time begged for), or just simple amazement that after losing 75 pounds I can actually lay eggs again per the ovulation kits. A huge part of me is screaming "ARE YOU CRAZY! ARE YOU TRYING TO COMPLICATE YOUR LIFE? YOU HAVE A MARATHON MAY 4th! YOU JUST LOST 75 POUNDS! DO YOU WANT TO GET FAT AGAIN?!?! YOUR HUSBAND JUST HAD A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO RISK RAISING A BABY ALONE?" Then, there is that voice in the back of my head that reminds me..."Three years of infertility. You're almost 40. The two of you wanted a child together so badly. This may be your last shot." My son will be 18 in five months. Our daughter (who really is my step-daughter, but her biological mother dropped off the radar about four or five years ago) will be 16 in three months. The idea of being able to go vacation whenever we want, not have to worry about who is going to watch the kids, the freedom to take time off not centered around a school schedule all appeals to me. But, then that little voice that disregards every rational thought whispers "He might have his dimples. Wouldn't you love to watch her play T-ball? Remember the pony you have sitting in the pasture that you bought in hopes that all those fertility pills would actually work just once?" I don't desire the disappointment. I loathe the idea of logging basal temperatures and going through all of the excitement of thinking this might be it, I might really be pregnant this time...only to have those hopes dashed in a mere three minutes of waiting for the double-line. For a while it seemed that everyone around me was pregnant, except me. I avoided (and still do) baby showers. Selfish, I know. Just because it hasn't happened for me gives me no right to not be happy for others. When I started my weight loss journey in August, it gave me a distraction from infertility. I was focused on losing weight and it truly side-lined the bitterness. Right before the heart attack, a former neighbor's daughter contacted me with a strange proposal. She is 21 now. She had a baby at 18 (one that her mother mostly raises). She told me that she wasn't in a position to have another baby as she is now going through a divorce, but that she misses her body being pregnant and knows how badly my husband and I wanted a baby so she was willing to be a surrogate for us. Sounds too good to be true, rights? Well, it is. First, she smokes, drinks and uses all other types of substances so lord only knows what she would expose her uterus to. Secondly, I'm fairly certain she wants money from us. Needless to say I politely declined noting that we wanted a baby that was one half of each of us and the issue is that I haven't been producing viable eggs. I wish she had taken her cue, but either from ignorance or youth, she offered to use her egg with my husband's sperm or "whatever". I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I think the "whatever" might've been her way of offering to sleep with my husband rather than use more scientific means of reproduction. Once again, not interested.
I'm not sure if it was just curiosity or if I really did just fly over the cuckoo nest but I bought the ovulation predictor kit last week. Two days later, and for the first time ever, a happy face indicated that I was ovulating. I want to put it in the back of my mind so I won't obsess about whether it worked. I don't want to know that yet again, no luck. I don't want to think about the names that we picked out years ago. But, I still do. And in my ridiculously hopeless mind it actually occurred to me that if he hadn't had the heart attack, he might have never quit smoking which would not have been good for a baby. Selfish, irrational, crazy, I don't know...maybe just hopeful.
2MC
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1286 kcal
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Fat: 44.81g | Prot: 80.36g | Carbs: 142.98g.
Lunch: Plums, Treasure Cave Reduced Fat Crumbled Blue Cheese, Balsamic Vinegar, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Giant Eagle Cherry Tomatoes, Kale, Frank's Red Hot Sauce, Hurst's HamBeens Pinto Beans with Ham Flavor. Dinner: Broccoli, Quinoa (Cooked), Kraft Natural Shredded Fat Free Cheddar Cheese, Chicken Breast, Chicken Stock, Kale, Tomatoes, Nasoya Organic Extra Firm Tofu, Couscous (Cooked), Publix Green Bell Pepper. Snacks/Other: Milk (Nonfat), Jell-O Sugar Free Fat Free Instant Chocolate Pudding Mix, Keebler Club Crackers Original, Sunflower Seed Butter, Granny Smith Apples. more...
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2604 kcal
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Exercise:
Bicycling (moderate) - 13/mph - 1 hour and 5 minutes, Dance (fast step, aerobic) - 20 minutes, Sleeping - 22 hours and 35 minutes. more...
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