Multiplicity1's Journal, 27 Jul 10

I had a humbling experience today. I decided to share with all of you that I am a recovering crack cocaine addict (I have been clean nearly 9 1/2 years now). I go to AA and one of the things we do in AA is something called the Twelve Steps. The Twelve Steps are designed to help us clear up the wreckage of our past and have a spiritual awakening. Step 4 is a step where we look at our part in the resentments, fears and sex conduct of our lives. When I did a partial 4th Step on the situation I have been very resentful about with my best friend I came to the conclusion that I had been totally selfish and inconsiderate in the way I had brought up the topic of the noisy babies in the meeting. I should have been focused on the solution which would have considered the needs of the babies mothers as well as my needs but I was only focused on the problem. Plus I raised my voice in the meeting which is a definite No - No and after the meeting I actually yelled at the chairperson (which was totally unacceptable)
for shutting me up at the end of the meeting instead of letting me talk. So I was at fault in several ways. Now I have concluded that I owe an apology to everyone at the meeting particularly the chairperson and the mothers of the babies. It is a very humbling experience to admit to a room full of people that you were selfish and inconsiderate but I need to do it for my sobriety and my growth. Despite the fact that I now feel I was at fault for how I brought up the topic I am still feeling very hurt by my best friend shutting me up at the meeting. I am praying about it because I don't want to hold a resentment but it hasn't helped so far. I haven't spoken or seen her since the meeting and I don't want to yet until I get a handle on my feelings. It isn't easy trying to be a grownup. I obviously haven't made it yet. My food is good. I walked 45 minutes yesterday and I am working on my living room (I made a lot of progress yesterday). I think I can make room for the TV and the DVD's by today. Then I have no more excuses about not doing them. I'm going to look at a couple of my exercise DVD's today to pick out which one to start with. I hope all of you are having a delightful and prosperous day.
Now I'm confused again. I talked over my decision to apologize with another woman who was at the meeting and she said she doesn't think I needed to apologize for anything. She said I wasn't out of line and all I did was bring up the fact that the women were not following the rules of the group. She said I didn't sound angry just nervous to her and she was sitting right next to me. So now I don't know whether I should apologize or not. She said a 4th Step was private between a sponsor and sponsee which is true. But later in the Steps we make a list of all persons we have harmed and make amends to them all. So I guess the question is did I harm someone by my actions. I know I upset the women with the babies because they left the meeting and said they may not come back. The person I yelled at really could care less I think although yelling is clearly out of line. But to apologize to the women when I still feel they shouldn't bring their babies might just make them more upset. I don't know maybe I'm just nervous about humbling myself. What do you think?

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1574 kcal

Fat: 132.47g | Prot: 62.24g | Carbs: 48.94g.   Breakfast: Splenda, Baking powder, Cinnamon, Egg, Butter, Flax seeds. Lunch: Mustard, Kraft mayo, Eggs. Dinner: Green papper, Avocado, Cheddar cheese, Lettuce, Tomato. Snacks/Other: Sunflower seeds, Macadamia nuts. more...